The Girl Who Cried Love...

The destruction in Haiti is one of the scariest and saddest things that has happened in a long time… and unfortunately sometimes it isn’t until something devastating happens on such a grand scale that the rest of us, finally get a little perspective… so for those of us whining because Hanson tickets went on sale in between pay periods… or complaining because you’re pining for unrequited love… or because you think you have a tapeworm and need voodoo potions to fix it… we should all take a moment to step back and actually pay attention to something other than our own lives and realize just how lucky we are… I am not trying to be holier-than-thou… I am just as guilty of squandering money frivolously… I can be shallow and self-centered… and I have been known to feel extremely sorry for myself at times for absolutely no reason and I may or may not have demanded that someone pay attention to my whining in order to back up my selfish attention-seeking… but recently I have started to try to bring myself back to a level where my concept of what is meaningful is more grounded… when im feeling sorry for myself for some stupid reason, I try to remind myself that things can be a whole lot worse… and the earthquakes in Haiti is one of those eye-opening moments that brings you back to reality for a minute to remind you to stop being such a spoiled piece of shit…

Hundreds of thousands of people have died… that is a number too high for me to even fathom… and it’s a number that represents people… people who have gone missing and have been lost under rubble because their entire world literally came crashing down on them… that is something I can’t even begin to understand. … there are hundreds of thousands of homeless… orphaned children… and people so brutally mangled by the disaster that they have lost limbs… suffered from infections… gone through surgeries without proper medical supplies… without anesthetic… in the middle of the street… in the middle of a field… under a mosquito net… on a makeshift bed of whatever materials can be salvaged from the mounds of rubble… I can’t even imagine something like that happening in my life… or how ill-equipped I would be to deal with something like that… I mean, I have gotten all woe-is-me because I dislocated my knee doing hot yoga… now that fucking sucked… it hurt insanely… it was disgusting… and all I wanted was to be knocked unconscious so that I wouldn’t have to feel anything… I swore my face off… embarrassed my mother and caused quite the scene… there was no way anyone within 100 metres was not going to be aware that my fucking knee was on sideways… i had my spleen removed.. I slept like a baby, they used a camera and my surgeon was beautiful… I whined about being painy after the fact because im a baby… but then I see children, having their legs removed… a limb actually severed from their body without any kind of pain relief and I realize what a spoiled brat I am… these people are going through hardship and pain that I can’t even begin to understand… and I hope I never do, to be honest… that’s something I wish everyone could be spared…

But I am proud of the work being done to support relief foundations… I attended an event last week that was put on live-to-air prior to the American Haiti telethon, called Canada For Haiti… it was an hour-long informational telethon that featured acoustic musical performances by well-known Canadian artists and it featured many notable Canadians saying their piece to raise awareness and promote donations to groups that would be matched by the Canadian government… CTV, Global and CBC came together to produce the special hosted by ETCanada’s Cheryl Hickey, ETalk’s Ben Mulroney and George Stroumboulopoulos, host of everything else you might see on Canadian tv… haha… anyway, I wasn’t really sure what to expect… but I was really impressed by how well-done the show was… the performances by The Tragically Hip, Nelly Furtado, Metric and my love, K’Naan were moving, the commentary was tasteful and the pieces put together from the field were heartbreaking, but it did an incredible job of helping to make people realize just how much suffering there is and how much help we can offer… or at least helped most of us realize how lucky we are…

There were two notable exceptions to proper charitable event protocol that I witnessed at the Canada For Haiti taping… one was a woman with feathered bangs who kept approaching the “celebrities” as though they were at a personal meet and greet… it was obnoxious and inappropriate given the situation… but then again if I had managed to use my time machine to travel all the way back from the early 90s to attend the event, I guess I would feel a little entitled myself…

The second occurance had me seething… so there were many recognizable people involved in the event… there were all the Much Music vjs… the MTV hosts… Geddy Lee from Rush.. Donovan Bailey… Atom Egoyan… Michael Seater… Rachel McAdams… prominent Canadian personalities.. and people were asked to gather around the host so that during the commentary, the hosts were able to turn around and reference one of these people, in order to demonstrate how supportive the celebrities were, which would hopefully inspire the viewers at home to follow suit and donate to the cause… the commentaries were generally short segways to the next performance… not demanding of any of the people standing in the background… not really a difficult task… stand in the background… look moderately interested/concerned… apparently that task was difficult for one man in particular… after having stood in the background for a couple throws… by his own volition… this one leathery-orange fake and baked, frosted tipped douchebag pulls himself away from the camera and approaches a group of people and ensuring that everyone in ear-shot could be aware of his extreme importance, loudly proclaimed.. “ugh… I finally made it out of there… I feel like I have regressed in my career back to an extra!” ………………………………….*crickets*…………………………………. Seriously?! No really? Did that just happen? I stood for a second trying to register the exact words that had come out of that piece of shit’s mouth… and even after taking a moment to register, it was still potentially the most ridiculous thing anyone could ever say about their attendance at a charitable event… actually maybe that would be second to insisting that the earthquake occurred because of an old pact with the devil… either way it didn’t make this winner look any better… and on top of it, I was baffled by his arrogance because he wasn’t even a recognizable Canadian celebrity… first off, we embrace our celebrities in Canada… I mean even if an actor or musician lived in Canada for 2 months as a child, we adopt them and we make sure anyone that mentions them is aware of the Canadian connection… and secondly… I didn’t recognize him… and I recognize everybody… years of celebrity sighting training in my youth has made me very perceptive… im usually aware of people I recognize, plus with friends like jessie, it has always been my job to remember people… remember their names and why we know them.. but this guy… I hadn’t the faintest idea.. which irked me even more, that his arrogance was so blatant and overwhelming… apparently he is a Canadian Tenor… he is lucky he is talented, because he seems to have little else going for him… such a gem… Hey Clifton Murray, even your name is douchey… get a fucking clue, you’re useless… I am writing this directly to you, because i think you will probably read this, because you are the kind of schmuck who probably googles himself daily… :)

Anyway, despite this, the event was an incredible success… and I was so impressed by how well put together it was, under such short time and I was really happy to see the networks combining forces… it’s a rare thing to see…
I’m not trying to preach but for more information on how to donate go here… Also, since Jessie Sulidis has been booted off the Bachelor, she will be hosting an event Thursday, February 3rd at Cheval in Toronto. There will be a silent auction with proceeds also going to Haiti Relief…

Ok now on to the Rock Boat update… im a little behind… too busy living life to write about it… but I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing… so the night before my trip, Scott came and met me and we went to see the barettas play at the horseshoe… I miss carly, we don’t see each other enough… then I headed over to tonya’s to sleep for a couple hours before heading to the airport… we went super early to prep for the insane new security measures due to the underwear bomber… but it wasn’t actually as bad as I had anticipated… there was a secondary pat down… but it wasn’t as intense as everyone made it out to be and the line ups werent long, but I think we just lucked out with the timing…

when we got to Tampa, the airport shuttle driver was expecting us… and asked if we would need to go on a trip to the Liquor Store too, haha… apparently he had met Audrey and Ilana earlier in the day and had taken them on a little shopping trip… and apparently it was obvious that we were with them, just based on the sheer volume and girth of luggage we were dragging… so we got to the hotel and had a little dance party… ilana went through her ritual fashion show in my suitcase…we ate a disgusting amount of taco bell and eventually headed to the pre-party… saw Sam.. and he introduced us to his friend Matt Hires who is a singer-songwriter from Tampa… and probably the most adorable thing I have ever seen… I have come to notice that it seems that every musician on that boat was homeschooled… got married super young and ended up marrying a teacher… I don’t know if its some bizarro subconscious complex developed from being homeschooled and therefore never having had a real teacher… or maybe its an even more bizarre hot for teacher, teacher equals mom scenario, that I don’t really want to know about… all I do know is that, after seeing the ratio of beautiful, insanely talented musicians married to mousey teachers, I was definitely reconsidering my career path and trying to figure out how to pull off a bun… but all kidding aside, I told them that I wish he could have been my rock boat boyfriend and that I was extremely unimpressed that he off and got married before we even met, haha… the party was fun… we hung out there for a bit and then headed to the Lyrics for Life to meet up with Katie, Nicole and Brandi, Amanda and Terri…

Eventually we got on the boat… the weather in Tampa was pretty dismal… not dismal by Toronto comparison, but definitely not the kind of weather one hopes to find when heading out on a tropical getaway…luckily weather isnt really all that detrimental to fun-to-be-had on this ship… tonya had a game plan this year, having learned the hard way last year… Last year, our schedule was a bit off… the first night kicked off a sleepless week and though it was super fun what with harassing our sleeping roommates with stray band members and such… we missed out on a lot… we didn’t go to bed before 7 am any of the nights and it was a night longer last year… we would stay up all night, come to bed for a 2 hour power nap and then drag ourselves to the next event… we had an incredible time, but there were so many shows that we wanted to see that we missed… so many musicians that I didn’t develop an appreciation for until after the cruise… so this year I wanted to make sure that we didn’t fall into the same situation… and shockingly enough, we were really quite organized… we had down time and we managed to get to every event we wanted to… though im sure there was some incredible hidden gem songwriter that snuck under my radar and when I eventually get around to listening to the sampler they send out in advance…

I cant recall what happened which day, but here is a rundown of the week… the band I was most excited to see was Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers… I think Stephen is an incredible songwriter and every time I see them play, im happy… I get this overwhelming warmth in my heart and all I can think of to describe it, is that I absolutely adore this band… Sam is now an official member, and I think he is a wonderful fit… they played a set performing Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Full Moon Fever in its entirety, dressed as the band, like they did on Halloween… and also played a couple other shows… as themselves which were really fun… they played Fathers Day which made me happy and made me threaten tonya with bodily harm should she let so much as a single tear for Daddy Issues stream… haha… they played Days with a medley that included songs from rock boat artists… one of the dudes from Augustana joined them on Start The Day Early… Carbon Leaf sang with them… and everything else was kind of a blur… Augustana played a couple full shows… they were really good… but a little arrogant… pretentious, hipsters who think they’re above slumming with the likes of the non-musicians… basically a whole band of Taylor Hansons minus the phoney forced interest in non-musicians… they just blatantly didn’t give a shit… not that I minded…even when they had to physically drag one of their friends away, he came back because he knew we were way more fun, haha… Sister Hazel were wicked as usual… super fun and super nice guys… and we made late night friends with a band called B-Liminal because they were our neighbours… and what started off as a Disney serenade that made the bassist cry, ended up being a full blown singalong in their cabin… their guitarist is from Mississauga originally so we bonded… and then when we ported in Cozumel in the middle of a hurricane, they came with us for the adventure… which resulted in taking free shots of tequila in every store in the port, buying a silver skeleton mexican death ring and an authentic white lace mexican gown and fan… Ilana and I found ourselves hilarious…

We attended the artist vs artist trivia contest which was hilarious… and we went to karaoke hosted by someone and managed to get a couple songs in running between shows… went to the disco for a dance party when Will Hoge was hosting… hung out with Michael Tolcher on the first night… tonya and I were looking back on the first time we saw him, years ago opening for Maroon 5 when they were playing the Opera House… its been a very long time… back when Mission Responsible had a rap in the middle… haha… he played a couple really good shows, which also included breaking out some bling to cover Eminem’s Lose Yourself… I heard really good things about a band called The Bridges and made friends with their drummer Jeremy, who by the way is the cutest kid ever… we had a homeschooling deep south styles heart to heart… I didn’t get to see them play on their own, and im kind of sad I missed them, because everyone was raving about how good they were… but by far the artist that made the boat for me this year was Will Hoge…

I had heard of him through Audrey and ilana who have been fans for a few years… and I knew one song… but I was absolutely floored by how impressive he is live… he has this incredible soulful rasp and I was really impressed… he was also involved in the songwriters panel which included Jim Bianco, Stephen Kellogg, Pat McGee and Marc Broussard… and it was such a cool experience to hear them talk candidly about the songwriting experiences and just interesting little anecdotes and the one thing I love the most about the Rock Boat is the collaborations… I love seeing these incredible talents admire each other and perform together… during the songwriting panel Will performed his song Baby Girl and it was really quite cute to listen to the other men in the panel gush about how much they love the song and how they sing it to their daughters (oh, yeah by the way, apparently musicians shoot sensitive sperm too, because they all seem to produce daughters with their teacher-wives)… it was such a wicked experience… to watch them jam, and talk about how they wish they had written each others songs… and where in some circumstances the lovefest, metaphorical ego felating may have come off as arrogant… this was so genuine, such heartfelt admiration all around that it was really quite cute… but it also lead to my newfound adoration for Will Hoge… which was increased when it turned out he was our neighbour, who would come into the hall half naked and yell at us for being noisy… but he also taught me the finer points of blackjack, once he saw my frustration with craps… which besides not having the slightest idea what the rules were, I was more put off of, because its apparently illegal to pull up a chair to a craps table… I liked blackjack way better… our dealer was from the ukraine and was incredibly interesting and will introduced me to the table as the meanest Canadian he knows… haha… hes fun and funny and insanely talented… I think everyone should check him out.. I find him very interesting… I think if I get married, I want it to be to someone like Will Hoge… incredible talented, scruffy… usually looks like he may smell like whiskey and sweat, and like he would probably fuck you with his cowboy boots on… that’s right, I said it…

The finale shows were awesome… usually all the bands switch off members and play a bunch of covers… I don’t recall much now, except that the sax player that I think is with Pat McGee was the busiest guy on the boat… and that I think it would be wise to become a horn player, because that guy was never out of work… there were some hilarious events, such as a song being so good you had to take your pants off… the great Hot, Hot, Hot underwear dance party turned food fight turned fish casualty turned complete mental breakdown… it was one of those moments where things spiral out of control so quickly and generally you cant even pinpoint the moment when it all went wrong because it was so bizarre… luckily I have the entire ordeal on video… I think it all went wrong when Aud accidentally drops her shrimp sandwich… shrimp flies through the air… some lands on ilana’s bed… ilana’s intense fish phobia takes over and she bursts into tears and starts crying about how she doesn’t feel safe and that Audrey is a terrible friend for trying to attack her with fish hands… it really is a cinematic gem… and probably the best moment of all was when tonya and I are walking down the hall to our room and Katie is standing in the doorway looking unimpressed… she doesn’t outright accuse us, but the implication is there… and we arent offended that we are prime suspects, because we did have Katie’s bra autographed by Stephen Kellogg Senior and the Sixers last year and put it back in her luggage to be found later on… so assuming that if something evil has happened that we may have been the cause, isnt entirely unlikely… but this time, though I wish I could take the credit, I was just as shocked… it seems that our good friend Nicole… or Nicoleslaw as we lovingly refer to her, literally became Nicoleslaw… apparently in a drunken haze she had returned to the room and ordered herself a chicken caesar salad and a grilled cheese and then had passed out on the bed with the door open… and someone who may or may not be a couple drummers for a couple bands on the boat, decided that it would be funny to make her into her salad… lettuce on her chest.. a couple leaves strategically placed where nipples might be… chicken tenders on her forehead… some ranch sauce down her legs… maybe some dripping from the corner of her mouth… and to add insult to injury… someone ate her grilled cheese… a secret source who may be guilty of being an accessory to the crime fessed up to eating the sandwich while supervising the handy work of his friend… so funny… so Salad Girl became the talk of the boat…
I cant remember much else of the boat right now, except that I adore it… even with terrible weather, being on that boat warms my heart… im getting old and I had a bit rougher time keeping up my no-sleep schedule, but it is such an awesome experience… and I cant wait until next year… I just hope SK6ers and Hoge are back… and I would love is Ernie Halter and David Ryan Harris were brought back on, they were incredible last year…

Anyway, eventually we got off the boat… after trying to rescue the disaster we left our room in… we were legit the last people off the boat… some of the cruise employees left before we did… so we said goodbye to everyone and headed to our hotel… the big recovery day plan was to get to the hotel, get in bed the 4 of us… order way more food than we could ever imagine eating… maybe buy a cake… cuddle, recover and watch terrible Lifetime movies… so we get to the room, we decide on some food to order and start lounging… suddenly Audrey gasps… “is that a bug?”… I assume they are just overreacting… ive never been one to be afraid of bees or spiders and I don’t really have patience for it… but then ilana goes “is that another one?” and told me to come look… so I do… and I see a tiny speck.. and then I see another tiny speck… with legs… and then I go to the other bed and I see tiny specks there too… and then one tiny speck fucking jumped at my face… now I had heard that fleas jump, but I had always thought that to be a myth… its not a myth at all… this creature jumped at my face… so having been attacked by bird mites in the past (long story, but upon the death of a bird living in a tree attached to my house, its little disgusting birdy mites went on the hunt for the next living host to feed off of… which so happened to be me, bed ridden after surgery, being eaten alive by repulsive little vermin…which my mother thought was psychosomatic… ) anyway, little bugs that you can barely see yet feed on you give me the heebie jeebies… so we panic, throw all of our shit out of the room and call the front desk freaking out… they move us to a new room… the guy didn’t even want to help us move our bags because he said he was off work soon… they were all over my feet, in audrey’s socks… and when tonya was on the phone to Hotwire she discovered one attached to her boob and lost her mind… despite being awful, it was hilarious… I was stripping off all my clothes outside of the room which was like a villa set up, so we were outside… and tonya is weeping about how traumatized she is by bugs… it was quite the production, but I mean, come on! The front desk of the hotel told us the steps they take in dealing with a situation like this… well, if you have a fucking step system to deal with “these types of situations” then it clearly must happen pretty often… I had heard of flea bag motels, but I had never experienced one… especially in a hotel rated so well… it was such a bad vibe… but we managed to get the room cancelled and given nearly half price at the Intercontinental… the last day before our flight tonya and I decided to forego spending our last day, which happened to be the only sunny day florida had seen in weeks, in a movie theatre… haha… anyway, and that is about the extent of it for now…

So here comes my Bachelor blog… im not exactly a reality show enthusiast… I sometimes get a kick out of the talent based ones… I like watching the auditions on idol and things like that… but I generally lose interest once it stops being funny… and I find myself become increasingly jealous and the super talented, so I would rather not rub salt in the wounds… haha… and I sometimes like to watch the shows like the Biggest Loser because its pretty incredible… I think the Amazing Race is interesting…. Ill flip to Say Yes To The Dress if I want to feel sorry for myself… basically anything on TLC… I find the trainwreck ones interesting sometimes… celebrities addicted to drugs… the worlds biggest something or other… the man covered with hair… but I have never been one to tune into a reality show on a regular basis, or hold show watching nights with all my friends and form little parties around a reality show series… until now… up to this point in my life I had never watched an episode of the Bachelor… I understood the premise… a bunch of women looking for love….coughcough… go on a reality show and try to snag the sole single man for miles… he is generally charming and good looking, and as far as I know by the end of the show when they dwindle it down to one, they are supposed to get married… sounds foolproof to me… haha… either way, it has all the qualities of a great reality show… a couple dozen different women, with different personalities… sets up the possibility of clashes, cattiness, shit-talk, gossip, backstabbing, scandals… I mean what else could you ask for… I mean my inner feminist gets the heebie jeebies at the idea of all these beautiful women vying for the attention of some shmuck… but I know everyone has their reasons… I just have a hard time stomaching some of it… I mean, im sure hes a nice enough dude but hes not really my type… he’s so Dudley Do-right, beefcake cheesy with the faux grin… not that any of the characters in my previous love affairs garner comparison… I guess its hard to truly find the appealing qualities apparent through television… it just seems that he plasters on a fake grin… flexes a bit… doesn’t understand jokes and weeps a lot of the time… like A LOT of the time… do all the Bachelors cry this much?? Though I have noticed that crying seems to be equivalent to air time…

anyway…so the reason I have started to watch the show this season was because my best friend Jessie Sulidis, was asked to be a contestant, if you will… one of the Bachelorettes on this season… I mean, it is pretty exciting… the Bachelor is a huge show… millions of people watch it, it is successful… people are interested and I think it was a great opportunity for Jessie to be a part of it… I mean it is an interesting concept… a rather unconventional way of looking for love… but then again, jessie’s a different girl… and to be honest, maybe The Bachelor could be where she finds love… its strange seeing her on the show though… I have known Jessie for a decade… I almost said that I had been great friends with her for that long, but the first few months of our relationship were a little tumultuous… meaning I couldn’t stand her… and chances are she probably couldn’t stand me… but that was shortlived and instead we just combined forces to take over the world… muwahaha… but knowing jessie in real life and seeing her on the show are two very different experiences… it is strange to see her on the show… she is low key and quiet… keeping a low profile… and its bizarre to watch because in all honesty, Jessie is my confidence in a lot of situations… she brings out the worst in me, but in a good way, haha… if im going to do something stupid, or wacky, or get in trouble, it would be with jessie… if I was going to take a boring situation and find a sneaky way to make it way more fun for myself, it would be with her… if I was going to go to somewhere on a whim and wing it… make new friends and go on an adventure, it would be with her… if I was going to dress up like an idiot and try to hug the pizza delivery man… it would have been her idea…haha…

jessie is outgoing and loud and fun… and on the show she is quite the opposite… not sure if it was because she was in a new, unfamiliar environment or because they decided to leave some of her funnier moments on the cutting room floor… but either way, I think its good that she hasn’t gotten involved in any of the gossip bullshit… its so unbecoming of a lot of the girls… I also think its pretty hilarious that while all the other girls leap to their feet hooting and hollering and catcalling this dude every time he walks into the room (which I might add strikes me as a very odd method of wooing a man), jessie is draped on the couch… and my mom was laughing at the fact that every time they show her she is eating… so funny…

I really don’t have an opinion on a lot of what has gone on so far… I’m surprised that elizabeth’s teasin backfired on her… im sure it is probably a foolproof tactic for her most of the time… but i did love her rant about how she could be married by now… sweetheart… we could all be married by now… hold out for tv though, ok!! I laughed a lot at Tenley weeping about kissing him because it had been so long since she had been touched by a man… which divorce or no divorce is still a hilariously laughable thing for a 21 year old to say, or however old she is… but shes cute, i do like her… then again, i am partial to Disney princesses…and i loved Michelle… that bitch was batshit crazy… i mean, everyone was trying to find a nice way of letting bro know that she was a complete fucking nutter… and he just kept giving her props for her passion and enthusiasm…… -_- … Girl is insane… you best be hoping she has no way of finding out where you live… she was clearly bizarre and unstable… even the way she held her head and everything that came out of her mouth was spun… and i kind of adored her… the only disappointment i have is that no one seems to be “The Bitch”… i told jess if she couldnt pick her out, then it means it was probably her, haha… sadly not… at least for my entertainment purposes… but its starting to look like sweet little Ali is getting her back up… and i think Vienna is probably a huge pain in the ass… and im sure there is probably a good reason that no one likes her… but i think she is the type that does shitty things and is a pain in the ass unintentionally… she seems really naive and flakey and when she does something douchey, i dont even think she is aware of how hugely irritating she is… anyway… i probably shouldnt make any predictions, because im biased towards one bachelorette in particular… not that that means i want her to win, haha…

I had a funny story to tell… some of you may have already heard it, but it blew my mind and so I will share it again… so a couple weeks back jess and I went to see Sid’s band Dead Etiquette play at the Horseshoe… we walked in and a flailing dude knocked Jessie on her ass… I laughed… then he hugged us and Sid’s sister Roisin and commented on how it gave him a hard on… charming… the show despite drunken flailing trainwreck was fun… sid played in his undies and I got a kick out of watching jess tell dude that under no circumstance was she going to kiss him on the cheek after his hard on comment… then we went to sneaky dee’s and met up with scott for nachos and then we headed to a private party at some lounge in port credit… it was fun… jessie knew one guy there, but we made friends… Ugh and I had a guy ask me to go home with him and in between trying to dry hump me, I mean dance with me, he tried to use being a Snuggie owner as a bargaining tool!!! “come home with me, we can just cuddle and go to sleep… We can get wrapped up in my Snuggie together…” afterwards we were invited to some other dude’s house with the guy who was throwing the party… so we decided to go… there were about 10 people there and on the way in, we met a guy on the driveway, who I don’t even think was at the party… and we all went in the house and sat on an L couch and watched Joan River’s Roast on the Comedy Network… I said about 2 words to Driveway Guy… and about 20 minutes into our stay, he looks at me and goes…

“so I’m going to the little boys room… I would suggest you come meet me in a couple minutes and we will have some fun…”

“what?”

“I mean it, I’m kind of pretty good.. I would strongly suggest you come upstairs…”

“what?”

“don’t you want to come have some fun with me? Come meet me in the bathroom…”

“no.. What? No…”

“come on, you’re no fun! Think about it… Think about it…”

Then he tapped his finger against my temple a couple times and went upstairs and stared at me as he walked away with what I’m assuming was an attempt at a look of seduction… I thought it had to be a joke but then I realized that the whole group of dudes we were with were like that and I wanted to punch him… I was so annoyed by how ballsy and presumptuous he was… and I think that I was so caught off guard and dumbfounded by the whole scenario, I couldn’t even react…. We left shortly afterward but I did get a laugh out of it after the fact when a friend explained that the whole story went to show that I wasn’t a cokehead… and I was pretty bummed that I had missed my big chance, haha… but I mean, if this ballsy piece of shit had been the hottest guy ever… then I probably would have done it… partially because I am a fan of sex… partially because im shallow and like hot people… and partially because its kind of funny… I mean, I may have shrugged and been like, ah well, you are never going to fuck anyone as hot as this guy, so you might as well give it a whirl… or if he was insanely talented in some way that was apparent to me… if john mayer was like “sarah, let’s fuck, meet me in the can…”… don’t even think for a second that I wouldn’t already be there and removing my clothing, before the words were out of his mouth… may be a little pathetic… but im being honest here… but self-proclaimed “mediocre” random driveway guy who wasn’t even charming?! I mean, maybe if he had even tried to butter me up a little bit, I may have considered it, based on the pure hilarity of the situation… though I will give him credit for being able to recognize the powerful combination that is acting like a cocky dick/over-confidence and preying on potentially low self –esteem… im not going to pretend I haven’t fallen for it before… and generally being a ruthless asshole really makes me hot… I don’t know why it didn’t work for this douche… better luck next time bro…

Hmm what else… christmas was fun this year… i made it through 5 fam jams… jess had a christmas party and on christmas day we had the whole family at my cousin’s house and they even made carol song books and we had a legit christmas carol singalong… my cousin played piano and there was harmony… and it was so cheezy, but really fun… But it also lead my mother, sister and i to have a lengthy discussion about kissing family members on the lips… now i think its ok to kiss small cute little baby mouths… as long as they are slimey or snotty… but i think once you reach adulthood, it is stranget o kiss relatives on the mouth… i dont want to kiss some old lady mouth… why would i? Why would the old lady attached to the mouth want to kiss me… my mother kisses all the old ladies on the mouth… and so we had an ongoing joke about how the old ladies probably all go home and talk about how effing weird it is that my mom always puts the moves on them, haha…

For New Years, Jess and i went to Montreal… stayed at the Fairmont Queen Elizabeth for a couple days… and had a really nice trip… we made friends and wandered… and then on new years we went to the moves and then decided to wing it… our first stop was a club called Tabu where one of our new friends invited us to come for free… and we are both big fans of free… not so much big fans of club thump bullshit music that made the entire block vibrate before we even bothered going into the club… so then we wandered down the street… there was some billy ray cyrus looking guy in a masquerade mask standing outside of what looked like townhouses with an awning and asked if we were looking for the address… we said no and he asked if we wanted a tour and tried to pitch us on his party… our feet were cold so we agreed to the tour of the “Privateer” that was down the stairs.. he explained that normally a key card was required for entry but that new years would be the one night it was open to the public… so far nothing seemed fishy to us… we go in… it was a nice room… leather, an aquarium.. pretty bartenders… old men… big screen tv… couches… stripper poles… and then he brought us to a back room, which he informed us was the vip room, and that it usually required a separate keycard to enter… and then I started to get a bad vibe… there were only 3 women in the place… all young and slutty… and two were the bartenders and everyone else was an old man… except this billy ray guy… so I figured we should get out and tried to find a subtle way of trying to get jessie to leave… eventually we left, after the guy had to unlock the door to let us leave… and as we were walking away he made a comment to the effect of hoping we come back because we will “make a killing”… upon further investigation, it was either a swingers club or somewhere where they kidnap young girls and force them into underground prostitution rings… either way, cant imagine jessie and I ending up anywhere else on new years eve… haha… eventually we ended up at a place called Thursdays, where my mom used to hang out when she was younger… it was fun… we made friends… which included some young guys that challenged us to swizzle stick sword fights and tic tac toe… we introduced ourselves to this giant frightening looking man as Rapunzel and something else terrible and explained to him that we needed to drive home right after we rang in the new year because I had 6 kids at home and had to go relieve the babysitter… 6 hours away, but that we wouldn’t have a problem making the drive, because im a trucker and im used to it…. He offered to pay for our hotel room, I almost asked for cash… and then we went to this random old people dance party in the other room and had more fun there… it was a good night… The next day we had lunch with my older sister Stephanie and her fiance… it was awesome to see her and he seems really nice, im excited for them…

I decided on a couple new years resolutions… i think they are pretty good… i did the typical improve yourself ones… lose weight, east healthy, start exercising… and then i made the goal not to start smoking again on the Rock Boat and i shockingly succeeded at that… and i want to start managing my money better, which are all pretty typical resolutions… very generic, but worthwhile nonetheless… and one of my other ones was to not let people walk all over me… i tend to let myself become completely overwhelmed with guilt for no apparent reason when it comes to strangers… i feel bad saying no to people… if someone hits on me i dont know how to react and if its s situation where other people would probably be more inclined to be rude… i end up getting myself into lengthy uncomfortable situations because i feel bad… so thats one of the goals… delete people out of my life that are not nice… ultimately… and i want to be sweeter… i mean i think im pretty nice… but i want to be classy and calm and quieter… i want to be less abrasive, less obnoxious, less brash… i think it would be a wise decision…

I want to talk about books for a second… we just ordered a bunch of kindles at work… I didn’t really know what they were and though I think they are kind of a neat kitschy little consumer electronic.. and really who doesn’t love those… they make me kind of sad… I love reading, I love books and the idea of reading something off a screen, just feels like it takes everything away from it…. The whole vibe of a book adds to the experience… being able to cuddle up in bed with something tangible that isnt running on batteries… lying in a bubble bath and warping the pages with wet fingers… the smell of paper… the feel of the pages… being able to dog ears pages and scribble in the margins to draw attention to passages that make your heart hurt… fuck kindles… I take books very seriously… I hate to part with them and I pine for the lost, the lent and the missing in my collection… and I realized a couple weeks ago, when I walked into a friend’s bathroom and saw the top book in a pile in the bathroom… I realized that I could probably fall in love with someone based on their preferred bathroom reading… I saw the new Klosterman on the top and felt my heart swell immediately… I judge people very much on their authors of choice… and sometimes I consider myself to be an intelligence elitist… maybe Im not worthy of this stand, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to stab people who can’t spell, who make up words and who use “seen” incorrectly… and sometimes I find myself completely turned on listening to an intelligent man speak… well, maybe one moreso than the rest… but you get the point… And also speaking of Chuck Klosterman… I love that man… everything he writes (with the exception of several essays about basketball that went over my head).. speaks to me… he is sarcastic and conversational and neurotic and hilarious and I adore him… and I am insanely jealous, that he was smart enough to build a career out of something that so many people do for free… and instead of having a blog, this brilliant bastard has afforded himself the ability to write books of blog entries ultimately… his rants and random musings… so smart…

Anyway, I have so much else to talk about including my thoughts on the Bachelor now that it is ultimately mandatory that i watch… and of course my week on the Rock Boat.. including professing my undying devotion to the new love of my life Will Hoge… but ill get to that later…

I haven’t written in a few weeks… I guess I have just been pre-occupied with other things… but I miss writing when I don’t do it… I guess Im afraid that if I don’t document everything, I will forget something I will want to remember in the future… that I wont be able to remember some incredible memory, or that some feeling that im experiencing, ill either want to revisit for comparison or look back on and laugh when things are 28367138946293 times better than I ever could have imagined… my memory is really quite good… I remember some of the most futile information… im wonderful with dates… I remember the date of my first hanson concert… the date I lost my virginity (coincidentally taylor hanson’s birthday, haha)… I remember the date the moffatts announced their breakup… the date I first met tonya… the date of first dates with someone special… I remember my phone number from when I was 4… I remember jessie’s postal code… I remember almost every random we ever met, where we met them, why we should know them and what their nickname is… because everyone had one… I remember strange little details… and even when it seems im not listening because im busy looking at my phone, as I generally am, most of the time… chances are, im still hanging off your every word… but, having said all that, most of this past month is a blur…

I am going to say that I wish my lap top was functional, because I would be much more inclined to write frequently if I could do it from the comfort of my bed, instead of trying to covertly update at work, haha… sadly it is currently of better use as a paperweight… a paperweight that ate my Breakfast At Tiffany’s DVD and wont give it up… so let’s see… the month of December… how did I cap off 2010…

I spent a few days with the twins baking… how very domestic of me, eh?! Well before everyone dies of shock, be aware that it was motivated solely by the possibility of potentially winning John Mayer meet and greets… it was the second annual Interfaith Baking Competition… and so we knew we either had to do something witty, creative or classic… and we came up with some pretty good ideas if I do say so myself… of course, as always things sometimes look much more appetizing in my head… but I have to say, I was pretty impressed by how bakey we turned out to be! Who knew!? Im pretty crafty but its always iffy when it comes to how it transfers into baking, but luckily everything turned out pretty well… we made a Cookie Christmas Tree, a cake attempt at WhoVille, a cake attempt at a Charlie Brown Christmas, which actually looked more like Charlie Bear, we made a cookie snowglobe and I also made up some reindeer face mini cupcakes… Martha Stewart, eat your heart out… oh and I also managed to find Ali Lohan’s Lohan Holiday for $1… talk about an incredible baking soundtrack! Very festive!

I went to a couple movies… some I don’t recall… I saw It’s Complicated, which was cute… and Up In The Air, which I adored… I don’t know what I was expecting from the film, but it was wonderful…Anna Kendrick was amazing in it… and the entire premise of the movie was pretty profound… and there was one line that completely floored me… “You’re a parenthesis…” who knew a term of punctuation could be so soul crushing…

My sister and I went to the mall dressed like elves and got our picture taken with santa for my mother for Christmas, because who doesn’t want a picture of their grown children on santa’s knee…am I right? Am I right? It was kinda funny filling out the paper work and under age, filling in 26 when everyone else is like 13 months… and on top of it santa was a total creep… they film you know and email you a link so you can download your super cute video with Santa… ours involved a really awkward, polite laughter moment… “Ha ha he he ho ho ho… Santa’s feeling really lucky tonight!!” crickets….

I went to the Hideout for a Christmas party for Indie Music Week… there was a wicked classic rock cover band… but it was the most bizarre evening I had experienced in a very long time… I don’t know what was going on, but I am a total people watcher… I love just sitting back and taking in all aspects of an experience… and this night was no disappointment… apart from being fairly certain that I didn’t like anyone in the room and faking nice for the most part… I got to sit back and witness the most eclectic mix of people, ultimately dry humping on a dance floor… an old brown couple grinding… a guy in flared grey sweatpants and a Family Guy t-shirt… a tranny or two… a girl who looked like Twiggy giving a lapdance to a guy in a motorized wheelchair… you can’t make shit like this up…

I went to see some friends from MTV when JD’s band Man Gravy was playing… it was actually a lot of fun… I went by myself… which doesn’t sound like some huge feat, but for someone who is rarely alone, going somewhere by myself is kind of a big deal… i had never really thought about it, but i was really proud of myself… i didnt realize how much anxiety going somewhere like a show or a bar alone would cause me… and i knew i was going to know people there, but it had been so long since i had really spoken to any of them and to be honest i wasnt sure what the ratio of people who actually liked me versus people who didnt would be… in the end i got to see the people that i enjoyed and i left feeling really quite proud of myself, because not only did i put myself in a situation that i normally wouldnt… i decided to put myself in the higher stress version of said uncomfortable situation and i left feeling pretty good about myself… a little rapey… but proud of myself nonetheless, haha…

i went to see the Constantines with my sister and Scott… that was pretty awesome… Feist sang Islands In The Stream with them… it was mediocre..

I have so much more to talk about… but i dont have the time… as i am off to see the Barettas play at the Horseshoe… and then i leave for Tampa tomorrow to go on the Rock Boat to Cozumel… but when i return, i will talk about some incredible experiences with men i have had lately… by incredible read: terrible… i havent given up on all of them though… which will lead into being fairly certain it is possible to fall in love with someone based on their bathroom reading… which will bring me into gushing about the new Klosterman book and how i wish i had his career… i also want to talk about christmas and the debate my mother and i had regarding whether or not it is acceptable to kiss relatives on the mouth into adulthood…i say no… i will also talk about the adventures that Jessie and i had in Montreal over new years… seeing my other sister and her fiancee… my new years resolution plans… JESSIE BEING ON THE BACHELOR and watching it at her house last night and just how hilarious it was… and my distaste for kindles… wtf… read a book…. have a wonderful week my lovelies… and if you happen to find yourself wondering what i am doing at any point next week, the answer is probably , fucking the bald guy from Sister Hazel…